


Love is Loss and Loss is Love: A Brief History of Kerry Weaver’s First Marriage

by Kam14



Series: Love & Loss [3]
Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Ableism, Abortion, Adultery, Disability, Divorce, F/M, Falling In Love, Marriage, Non-Canon Relationship, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:08:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27878118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kam14/pseuds/Kam14
Summary: Kerry laments about her time spent, first, as an Intern and then, as a Resident at Mount Sinai Hospital’s Emergency Room, where she meets the elusive yet deeply problematic Dr. Daniel Procter for whom she soon develops romantic feelings. From their tumultuous time together, Kerry learns about the parallels between love and loss and comes to understand what true happiness really means.
Relationships: Kerry Weaver/Daniel Procter
Series: Love & Loss [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033827
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	Love is Loss and Loss is Love: A Brief History of Kerry Weaver’s First Marriage

_I tell stories about him when in conversation with my friends like he’s your stereotypical ‘nice guy’; like he’s this…chivalrous, wonderful, encouraging husband but little do they know how unhappy I was when I was around him. I told myself that I could escape that feeling if I just threw myself into my work, but even that didn’t help me to escape from that constricting, hot, nervous energy I felt when he was around me—not when he was an ER Attending at the same hospital where I worked. I really did convince myself for a long while that he was critical of me because he wanted me to be the best doctor that I could, because he wanted to see me flourish. But now I know that wasn’t the case at all. I know now that, instead of wanting to see me flourish like any good husband should, he wanted to see me struggle. He wanted to put me down in front of our colleagues about my ‘capabilities’. “The course of true love never did run smooth”, so the Shakespeare quote from my favourite play, ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ goes. But it was smooth once…and I loved him with every inch of me._

_We met at work of all places. Mind you, where else do Interns and Residents spend their time?_

Kerry eyed up the frantic-looking ER Resident to whom she’d been assigned earlier that morning from where she sat in the corner of the cafeteria. She watched intently as he lifted his wire-rimmed glasses, rubbed vigorously at his eyes, perched them back on the bridge of his nose and proceeded to join the queue to pay for the coffee he held in his other hand. She realised that she hadn’t taken in his features upon meeting him for the first time. She’d been much too focused upon making a positive impression of herself. He was tall; around six foot one, of average build, and had thick, dark hair and a well-groomed beard to match. He glanced around the room after leaving the queue and Kerry swiftly turned her attention back to the sandwich on the plate in front of her so as not to draw attention to the fact that she had been watching him.

After a couple of minutes had passed, Kerry looked up once again and noticed that the Resident had taken a seat a few tables away from the one at which she was situated. Seeing as he didn’t seem to be expecting company, she decided that this may be a good opportunity to let him know that she’d already completed all of the tasks he had assigned for her to do throughout the day and would need further advice on how to spend her afternoon.

“Dr Procter”, she began as she approached him from behind, at which point he stood abruptly and turned around. Clearly, he hadn’t been expecting her because his arm collided with Kerry’s shoulder and the contents of the coffee cup he had been holding exploded all over Kerry’s short, white lab coat.

“Oh god”, he exclaimed as he watched Kerry shake what she could of the dripping liquid off of her, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were there. It’s Ms. Weaver, right?”

“Correct”, she nodded, “although Kerry is fine”. He was smirking now. Had Dr. Procter not been her superior, she would definitely have asked him what he thought was so amusing.

“Well, Kerry”, he continued, gesturing awkwardly to her sopping coat, “can I help you find a pair of scrubs to change into, seeing as you getting covered in coffee is mostly my fault?”

Put it this way, she wasn’t going to refuse. Around fifteen minutes later, just as rounds were about to start, Kerry re-emerged from the women’s bathroom and clocked Dr. Proctor waiting for her to join him and a small huddle of ER Residents, Interns, and medical students who were currently on their ER rotations outside of the exam room opposite.

“Better”, he leaned in discreetly and whispered, “can’t have you walking around behind me with a dirty lab coat, making me look bad”.

_If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have said he had been flirting with me. It wasn’t long after that day—a few months later, perhaps—that Daniel Procter asked me to go on a date with him. More time passed and one date turned into many, which turned into a relationship, which turned into an engagement, which eventually turned into marriage. By the time we married, he had just been promoted to ER Attending and I was in my second year of Residency in the ER. It was after he was promoted that his attitude at work began to change; at first, only towards his colleagues but his professional respect for me slowly began to dwindle too._

_In the December of 1994, we’d gotten a code in the ER for a multi-victim trauma at a railway line. A train had collided with a car that drove on to the tracks._

“We can take four major and ten minor”, Kerry shouted into the speaker over the screaming of a frustrated toddler in the triage area.

“If you can’t take more than four minor right away, then we’ll need two ER docs and a surgeon on site”, the paramedic on the other end of the line shouted in response.

“Who’s available?”, Kerry asked, still holding the speaker and pivoting around to face Carol, who stood behind her listening intently.

“From surgery? Dr. Allinson should be around. As for ER docs…just you, Dr. Weaver…and maybe Dr. Procter. I saw him in the cafeteria not long ago—I think he’s on a break”, Carol replied.

“Page Dr. Allinson and Dr. Procter, please, Carol”, Kerry instructed before turning her attention back to the speaker, “I’ll be there ASAP and I’ll bring another ER doc as well as a surgeon with me”.

Carol, after donning a yellow trauma gown, swiftly moved away from the admit area and into one of the trauma rooms to prepare for the incoming casualties. Kerry started for the doors that led out to the ambulance bay but, before she reached them, she heard someone calling after her and turned around to see her husband.

“Dan. Did Carol page you? Multi-victim train wreck and we can’t take enough majors ASAP, so we need to treat some of them on site. Are you free to come?”, Kerry asked hopefully. Instead of answering her question, though, he just stared at her and raised his eyebrows before his lips curled slightly upwards into his trademark smirk she knew all too well by now.

“You’re going to attend an on-site trauma?”, he scoffed condescendingly.

“Well…yes”, Kerry answered defiantly, although the confusion in her tone was also apparent, “I’m the only ER doc free right now. Why do you ask?” There was an awkward silence. Kerry waited before provoking him to answer her original question again. Maybe he’d had a stressful shift and was gearing himself up to agree by biding time. Maybe he was just surprised, since even Kerry would admit that she didn’t often volunteer to attend on-site traumas.

At that moment, Doug Ross (Mount Sinai’s new first-year Resident that Kerry had not gotten off on the best foot with) walked past the pair and glanced between them both, obviously noting some sort of dispute, and then began to walk away, once again preoccupied by the chart in his hand.

“Hey, Doug”, Procter called after him. Oh, it was ‘Doug’ now? Not Dr. Ross? When—and why—had Kerry’s husband become so friendly with her least favourite colleague? Doug stopped in his tracks and turned to face Procter. “My wife, Dr. Weaver here, has decided to attend to casualties at an on-site trauma; a train versus motor vehicle collision where she’ll have to crawl through all sorts of constricting spaces and climb on top of god-knows-what kind of wreckage. Wouldn’t you agree that that is a little ambitious”, Procter sneered, “given that on one of her ‘bad days’”, he continued, gesturing to her crutch, “she even complains about having to climb the stairs?” Now Doug was smirking too.

_I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d had many people over the years—ever since childhood—have the audacity to tell me what I was and was not capable of doing because of my hip dysplasia. But my husband? The person who’d only ever encouraged me to challenge other people’s preconceived opinions about my ability to do my job. Surely not him too? And surely not him having banter with *Doug Ross* of all people about my disability? His words stuck like a lump in my throat that day but not as much as what I like to call ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’._

_It had been yet another chaotic day in the ER—let’s face it, the only days that tended not to be chaotic were snow days, which this particular day was not one of—and I had forfeited my lunch break in favour of waiting for Radiology to return a series of X-rays on a patient who’d fallen from a three-story building. I suspected the patient had broken a number of ribs and had wanted to be sure that none of said broken ribs were in danger of puncturing any of her internal organs._

Finally, as Kerry made her way towards the phone at the admit desk in anticipation of making a repeat phone call to Radiology to try and speed up the process, —whoever was processing them had been taking their sweet time—an eager-looking medical student came bounding over in her direction, extending a small stack of the unmistakeable large, brown envelopes.

“Hi, Dr. Weaver”, she smiled, her hazel eyes alight with the kind of excitement that Kerry was surprised to see in someone who should have been exhausted after long hours of study, “here’s the X-rays you’ve been waiting on”.

Kerry couldn’t help but notice the slight skip in the young woman’s step as she walked in the direction towards exam room two, her blonde curls bouncing just above her shoulders. The last time Kerry had felt so happy was…she didn’t remember. Had it been when she became a Resident? No; she’d been pleased, but Procter’s newfound ignorance towards her at work after his own promotion to Attending had dampened her enthusiasm. She pondered for a further few seconds before realising that the last time she had been that happy was when she first started dating Procter. Maybe they would rekindle the spark they had had one day, she hoped soon.

Kerry also made her way towards exam two in order to use the X-ray reader, given that the one mounted on the wall in the nearest corridor was broken and long overdue a service. She pushed the door open and stopped dead in her tracks, her mouth hanging open wider than a twenty-lane highway. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. There, right before her, was Procter with his eyes closed, caressing the med student with the curly blonde hair. His lips locked passionately with hers as he begun to fumble blindly with the third button of her blouse. A lump began to form in Kerry’s throat and tears stung the corners of her eyes. No. She couldn’t show him that his total disregard for her feelings, and for their marriage, had finally gotten the better of her. Procter and the student jumped to attention at the sound of the door opening and, looking positively mortified (Procter far less so than the student, no surprise), separated themselves towards opposite corners of the room. For a brief moment, Kerry was unable to speak but chose to gulp down her emotions and make direct eye contact with Procter.

“I knew you were capable of being a total douchebag, Daniel, but I didn’t imagine that you’d stoop this low at work”, Kerry told him calmly, emphasising the ‘at work’ part of the sentence. She wouldn’t have put adultery past him at this point in their marriage; she wasn’t that naïve.

_That was the day that I knew our marriage needed to end. My happiness and my sanity depended on it. Shortly after I’d walked in on Dan’s affair with the med student—the day that I figured I didn’t really know what true happiness was unless I was under the same, false, impressionable spell he cast on me (and others, evidently)—I did experience what I would now describe as one of the most wonderful moments of my life. That moment was learning that I had fallen pregnant. Like many instances in which we experience joy, though, it was fleeting, and I sometimes question whether it was my fault that it couldn’t last._

_I had debated asking him to pick me up after I’d been discharged by my OBGYN but, ultimately, had thought better of it because I knew he’d probably only gotten home from his night shift a couple of hours ago._

Kerry departed the El station and began what felt like the longest walk of her life, even though in reality she and Procter’s apartment was less than a ten-minute walk away. Upon entering, she saw that Procter was slumped on the couch watching television in the living room.

“Hey, Dan”, she inhaled deeply, unable to hide her nerves at having to decide whether to tell him the news, “I thought you’d still be asleep”.

“Ker”, he greeted her matter-of-factly without even peeling his eyes away from the screen to look at her. “You’re home early. I thought your shift ended at six”.

“I had to finish early today”, Kerry began, knowing she would have to choose very carefully how she broke this information to her husband, “because I went up to OBGYN”. Silence. He actually turned to face her this time.

“And?”

“And”, she continued, knowing that this was the only way to tell Dan Procter that she could no longer be his wife. At least not if he was to continue being the arrogant, egoistic individual he’d become in recent months. “I had an abortion. I was pregnant, Dan. I was pregnant with your child”. This time it was he—not Kerry—who was left without words. For the first time since Kerry had met him, Daniel Procter was speechless.

_I’d never felt pain like it before. Having to terminate the pregnancy was the single hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The day I had the termination was the day that I learned what true love is. It was also the day that I lost it for what could be an hour, a day, a year, many. Hell, who knows it’s not lost…forever? I hadn’t truly been in love with Dan; I had been infatuated with him and in love with the way he made me feel in the early stages of our relationship. But I truly loved the little life growing inside of me with all of my being. However, he had me like a puppet on a string, making me dance to his every command, forcing me to anticipate his every move. I felt that making the choice not to carry his child was my only way to truly cut those ties. It was my only way to make him see just how serious I was about ending our marriage._

_After the divorce, I couldn’t even face seeing him at work. It was too uncanny and frustrating all at the same time trying to view him as just another colleague. It didn’t seem possible when there was so much history between us; so many loose ends that we never had the chance to tie up, which left our whole relationship—personal and professional—feeling very bittersweet indeed. The awkwardness went on for the remainder of the year the divorce was finalised; that was, until it came time for me to apply for the position of Chief Resident. Apparently, I was a shoo-in to get the promotion at Sinai, but I decided to skip applying altogether and look elsewhere. County General and Mercy were the two hospitals that I had settled on. I was correct in thinking it was a risky move at the time, which was confirmed when the Chief of the ER at Mercy called to tell me that they had given the position to their internal applicant. But then I got the call from Mark Greene at County and…well, I’ll let you fill in the blanks._

_From time to time, I think of Dan and wonder what it was about him that roped me in so. I wonder what he’s doing with his life now. I wonder whether, be it on purpose or by accident, our paths will ever cross again, and we’ll be able to heal some of those old wounds that have scabbed over but never fully healed._

_Probably not._

**Author's Note:**

> And so, we finally see Kerry Weaver experiencing a glimmer of happiness (when she begins her romance with Procter)! I know it doesn’t last throughout the chapter and each event that Kerry outlines gets progressively more heart-breaking—I really am sorry about that! My intention was to give Kerry a break (seeing as she never does seem to catch one for very long in the show itself) and to write a narrative of her whimsical romance with Procter before she came to County General but that felt too superficial. It did, however, feel more appropriate to see Kerry’s initial enchantment with Procter and to have that relationship progress into something toxic, which Kerry then uses to facilitate her understanding of true love and authentic happiness, even if it means making painful decisions. In light of all of this, I hope you enjoyed reading my interpretation of Kerry’s life and first marriage pre-County. Many thanks to Zoë and M for their encouragement whilst I’ve been writing this chapter!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Something Old](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27922750) by [Thebiwife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thebiwife/pseuds/Thebiwife)




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